Short Story: The Back Up

Journal Entry; January 20, 2008

The wedding was, oddly, pretty great. I know what everyone was thinking. They knew why Lisa and I got married. And I guess it's a little pathetic in other people's eyes. But at the age of 38, what were we supposed to do? Should we wait around for true romantic love to find us? It seemed a little unlikely at this point. That's why we made the pact fourteen years ago. If neither of us was near to getting married at 38, we marry each other.

It makes sense. I can't think of anyone off hand I would rather marry than Lisa. She's been my best friend for twenty years now. We were practically married for the last fifteen. So why not? We're still young enough to have kids if we decide. And at the end of the day, I'm happy with the decision. So why am I having so much trouble with this?

Sex. Neither of us wants a sexless marriage. But there's something so... creepy about having sex with Lisa... I mean, I just had sex with my best friend. What the fuck?! And it didn't go well.

When she came out in her lingerie... that silk teddy hanging off of her... she looked phenomenal... but then I got nervous and started laughing. I thought the mood couldn't be any more dead, but then I removed my robe and she spoke.

"What the hell is that?"
"I'm sorry?"
"You are NOT putting that inside me."
"I... you don't... there's something wrong?"
"James, it's 6 inches long and 3 inches thick! You would need a jack to get me open that wide!"
"It's not 3 inches..."
"Your head is as big as my fist! That's not a cock, it's a coke can!"
"Why would you say that? How am I supposed to have sex with you when you think I'm a freak?"
"I don't... I'm sorry James. I don't think you're a freak. An example of life imitating porn, maybe, but not a freak."
"What am I supposed to do now?"
"I'm really sorry, James. I'm just nervous. Why don't we try? Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm alright. Should we just... you know... get to it?"
"Yes. And get the lube."
"How much should I use."
"Use the bottle. The whole goddamn bottle. I don't need you chafing my vagina."

I did as she asked, then prepared to fuck my best friend. We didn't even bother with foreplay. It was almost as if we were just going through the motions. She layed down on the bed and I flopped on top of her.

"Alright... I'm inside you."
"James, it feels like I'm in the middle of childbirth. I am well aware that you are inside of me."
"How's that?"
"It's... fine. Just go slow, okay?"
"Okay... there we go."
"Could you lift yourself up a little, I can't breathe."
"What?"
"You're crushing me, James. You aren't supposed to just slap yourself on top of me. Hold yourself up with your forearms, like you're doing push-ups."
"Oh, sorry... how's that?"
"OW OW OWWWW!!!! You're on my hair! Get off!"
"Whoops... sorry. You okay?"
"No! Look, just get off me!"
"Already? But we just..."
"Get off me!"

Day 2
"You like that you little whore? Yeah, I bet you do, huh? You're so naughty."
"Heh heh heh."
"What?"
"Heh... nothing... heh eheh... sorry. *Ahem* Keep going."
"Oooookay. I umm, I'm gonna fuck you so good. You're gonna love it."
"Hehehhahaaaaa."
"Oh come on!"
"Hahahhaaaaaa.... I'm sorry, hehehe. Really, I'm sorry. You're doing good. Just keep going."
"Fine. ... I'm... I'm gonna make you eat my big sausage and..."
"BWAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
"That's it! Fuck you!"
"AAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHAHHAHAHA!!! WAIT! WAIT! Give me you your big sausage! HAHAHHAAAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!"

Day 3

"How does that feel?"
"Ohhhh... wow. That's amazing. Oh my God..."
"Really?"
"Reeaalllllyyyy... oh fuck... oh oh uhhhh uhhh where... where did you... uuhhhhhhhh... learn th.... ohh shitttt....."
"If you like that, you'll love this!"
"No, wait, don't!!! Oh. Ohhhhhh yeah. Nevermind... do that instea..... OH FUCK!!!!! YEEE..... RIGHT THERE!! OH PLEASE, RIGHTTHEREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
"Now how about some of this?"
"WOAH! WOOOOAHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!!!"
"Something wrong?"
"Yes, something is goddamn wrong!!!! Take off the damn blindfold! Was that your... WAS THAT YOUR FUCKING TOE????? Did you put your toe inside of my vagina???!!!"
"Well, yeah... I...."
"WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I'm sorry! I've done it to other women, and they all liked it."
"They were lying, dip shit! No one wants your nasty UN-CLIPPED TOE inside their Va-Jay-Jay!!!"
"Their what?"
"You're disgusting! I think I'm going to be sick!"
"Look, I'm sorry. I thought you would enjoy it."
"Enjoy it? YOU GAVE MY PUSSY ATHLETE'S FOOT, DICK HEAD!"
"I do not have athlete's foot."
"Getthehellawayfromme!"
"Alright."
"Get the fuck away, so I can go bleach my uterus!"
"ALRIGHT!"
"WAIT!"
"What?"
"Can you untie me first?"

Day 4

"Who commands you, slave?"
"You do."
"I DO... WHAT?"
"You do mistress."
"There. That's a good slave. Behave, and Mommy Lisa may just give you what you want."
"Yes Mistress. But... can I have a taste?"
"A taste?!"
"Just a sample... please."
"You want a taste? I'LL GIVE YOU A TASTE!!"
WHAPPPPPP!!!
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! WHAT THE HELL, LISA??!!! DAMNNIT!!!!!!! OWWWWWWWW!!"
"What?"
"You hit me with the whip!!!"
"Yeah, so? That's the game."
"You fucking whipped me!"
"Oh man up! I mean, really."
"Undo the handcuffs!"
"Fine! Here!"
..
"Give me that!"
"Oh, please, like you would really..."
WHAPPPPPPP!!!!!!!
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why would you????? *crying* WHyyyy??? I'm a girl!!! OOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"

Day 5

"Knock, Knock!"
"Who is it?"
"It's.... Paco. The naughty cabana boy. I'm here to give you service!"
"Oh, Paco! Please come in! I wasn't expecting you. What kind of servicing can I expect?"
"I'm here to clean to your pipes, Senorita."
"Oh my, Paco! Your wrench is sooooo big!"
"Jus' wait til ju see my toilet plunger!"
"Oh come on!"
"Hahahahaaaa!"
"Can't you take this seriously?"
"I can honestly say no. No I cannot take this seriously."

Day 6

"Ohhhh that's it!!! Uhhhhhhhhhh..... ohhh yeah!!!!!"
"You like that, don't you?!"
"Shut up!"
"Take it, bitch!"
"Shut up!"
"What's your problem??"
"I can't hear your voice right now! So shut up and fuck me!"
"What am I supposed to do?!"
"YOU ARE RUINING THIS!! Fuck me!"
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......"
"Ohhhhhhhh.... oh uhuh uhhuhhh right there.... yesssssss...."

So we finally finished. We both really enjoyed it, too. But it's still a little weird. I can't help but wondering... am I going to have to wear the bag over my head every time we have sex?