Must Love Dicks

I've decided I need a girlfriend, internet. So get to searching.

I believe in honesty, so ladies, allow me to put all my cards on the table.

First, I probably won't be a great boyfriend. But I won't beat you unless you're into it. And if I decide to fuck other chicks, you will absolutely be consulted. At that point you can either leave me or join in. I'd probably be down for either.

I put the toilet seat down after I pee, but I leave my underwear on the floor 10 seconds after I get home. I DO push the undies off to the side though, so you won't step on them.

Cuddling and spooning are absolutely in, but if I give you the thermometer test in the middle of the night (possibly followed by the nipple test if I still can't tell if you're asleep), I don't think you should be mad at me.

If you make out with your dog in front of me, I'm having it put to sleep.

I love tits. And I don't believe in plastic surgery. So if we're together and you have small tits, that's cool. You're perfect (or at least acceptable) just the way you are. But I'm gonna look at other girls' tits. Not my fault; it's in my DNA. So shut the fuck up.

I do not expect sex every time after giving you a massage. If I try to touch your cooter and you're not into it, just say so. However, if I suck your toes, expect to have my cock in your mouth.

Speaking of which... I have an average size penis. If you tell your friends it's small, I reserve the right to kick you in the pussy.

If you talk bad about country music, I will throw you out of a moving vehicle.

I will cook for you. You will not ask me questions when I'm watching Dr Who.

Don't bother asking questions like which one of your friends I would sleep with. The answer is all of them. Even the dumpy one. Because that clown has been in the rodeo a few times.

No, you cannot drive my car. Ever.

I'm sure your father IS a better man that I'll ever be. Or he was before I stole his viagra prescription.

Sometimes a guy just wants to wear high heels and pretty dresses. Leave me be, woman.

I'm fine with watching The Notebook with you. Good movie. But if you try to put that Twilight shit on, I'm making you watch every Schwarzenegger film ever made. Even the one where he's pregnant.

If Robert Redford offers me money, it's going down.

I know where I'm going. If I wanted a navigator, I'd be in the fucking Navy.

I won't be jealous if you want to go party with your friends every once in a while. But if you cheat on me, I'm sending the pictures to your grandmother.

Sometimes I'll forget to open doors for you. It's not a big deal.

Engagements rings are fine. Pre-engagament/ promise rings are horseshit.

Yes you look fat in those jeans. But I still think you're beautiful. You'll know it's true because I haven't left you for your younger sister.

Sometimes I cry at the end of Where the Heart Is. You are not allowed to video tape it and show my friends.

I'm probably not going to like your family. And I expect you to hate mine. So let's change our names and move to New Guinea.

Any intentions of sticking a finger in my ass must be announced beforehand. Don't just shove it in and yell SURPRISE.

Treehuggers need not apply.

SO what do you think ladies? Wanna be my girlfriend? Accepting applications NOW!

Oh, and a little gift to sweeten the deal:



That's right girls. You've just been Big Time Rush'd. Are you in love yet?