Did you hear about the Hipster who died in the volcano? He was into lava before lava was cool.It's a pretty clever joke. Funny because it's true, 'ya see? Hipsters are this generation's counter-culture, combined with the "meta". They aren't counter-culture because society runs opposite of them. They run in the opposite whatever direction society turns; rebels without a clue. They are contrary for contrary's sake. There is little I hate more than hipsters and all they represent. But a few months ago, I notice something. Suddenly everyone hates hipsters, even people that are clearly hipsters themselves. And it occurred to me:
the final stage of hipsterism is to claim you hated hipsters before hating hipsters was cool.
It's almost enough to make your brain implode from the stupidity.
Since hipsters have decided to hide in plain sight, I've decided to make a list of things to help you spot one. Upon spotting, feel free to beat them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and yell "No!"
Hipsters:
-Like bands with stupid names that no one has ever EVER heard of. Bands with names like Neutral Milk Hotel, Deathcab for Cutie, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Philosophical Shmorgasboard and Bring Shannon Skechers. You'll hear them say things like "Have you heard the new Vaginal Anglican album? It's a-maz-ing!" And it isn't. No band with a name like that could possibly be good. It's as if a dog ate a dictionary and these bands choose their names from whatever was left of what the dog shat. Whatsmore it's clear they choose the names precisely because they're so awful. The other day, I read about a new kind of music called "dub step", and I thought "that can't be a real thing". Who the hell knows what dub step is? No one with a job.
-Like things "ironically". Except they don't, because that is a profound misunderstanding of the word "ironic". Ironic and facetious do not mean the same thing. The fact that these people don't know that, however, is ironic. Furthermore, by declaring they like something ironically, what they are in fact saying is that they like pretending to like something they have deemed terrible both to make fun of the people who do like it and to point out how clever and *AHEM* ironic they are. This is a complex way of saying you're a pretentious asshole and a complete fucking moron.
-Hate anyone and anything that is mainstream in popular culture. I had an argument online once about the fact Nickelback. This asswipe was telling me how uncool Nickelback is and that all the bands he listens too are a-maz-ing but will never be heard. (Which is really fine, because if they ever became popular he would have declared that he never listened to them.) I explained that I like Nickelback and I could care less if it's cool to like them, but that they were in fact "cool". One of the definitions of cool as a slang term is popular. Regardless of your personal opinion of the band, Nickelback made a lot of money. They were very popular. It's math. Nevertheless all the little hipster bitches explained that I was uncool.
Hey, I hate KISS. That doesn't mean that they aren't cool. I'm not the arbiter of popularity.
The point is, hipsters have a preternatural hate of anything popular. They have to like something before it's cool and then declare it and everyone around it a pariah as soon as it becomes discovered. Ever noticed how Dane Cook was the biggest comedian on the planet for 5 years and suddenly became a running gag for terrible comedians? Not a coincidence.
-Use the word "douche" a lot. "Ugh. That guy? Like, total douche." A hipster's favorite insult is douche, and everyone and everything they hate are "totally douche-tastic"... or something. Of course, there's nothing "douchier" than people who use the word douche all the time. And that, friends, actually is ironic.
-Hate corporations like Apple but think Steve Jobs was this generation's Einstein. And they declare their hate/love of such things on social networks like Facebook and Twitter. Also ironic.
-Use tweetspeak in real life (excuse me, IRL). Epic, fail, FTW... other things I don't understand.
-Think Betty White is awesome in anything she does. Also, Ellen Page. I don't get the Ellen Page thing at all. Juno was kind of a funny, quirky film... at first. When you watch it more than once, it's actually completely terrible. Or mostly, anyway. And Page just isn't that great. I guess it's because she's underrated to some people? As for Betty White... well she is great. But the sudden love of all things Betty sprouted overnight. Why? Because it's very weird and offbeat to tell people one of your favorite actresses is Betty White. That's the only reason. Of course no one talks about Betty White anymore. She was popular for too long. Whatever, I still love me some Golden Girls. And even like Hot in Cleveland, or as I like to call it Golden Girls: The Next Generation (also applicable to Sex and the City).
-Make declarations about what is and isn't Punk Rock. And don't know anything about the origins and history of punk rock, which wasn't a fashion statement.
-Read Graphic Novels, but not Comics because Comics are for losers. Never mind the fact that their favorite Graphic Novels are Watchmen and Sandman, neither of which are Graphic Novels. They're comics.
-Hate Country Music but somehow love Johnny Cash. I once saw a message-board post from a kid who said that he hates Country and that he listens to Johnny Cash. He then declared that "No Johnny Cash does not count as country because he's mother-frakkin Johnny Cash!" I can't tell you how much this makes me want to go on a killing spree in a vinyl record store. In the words of Eric Church, the Man in Black would have whipped your ass. Ever since Walk the Line came out (which I loved) it's become counter culture to declare Cash one of your heroes. The fact that he's dead only makes it more relevant. I like Cash, but he's not the greatest Country Singer of all time. And most of the people who claim him as a hero aren't familiar with a third of his catalog or even much outside the Walk the Line soundtrack, aside from A Boy Named Sue. Cash is awesome. Willie Nelson is better. It's just that he's alive and doesn't have a biopic.
----Here's the thing: I have nothing against people who don't like Apple or Dane Cook. If you dig Ellen Page and Alan Moore comics, that's great. And I support anyone who listens to a classic Country artist like Johnny Cash. (Maybe look into Waylon, while you're at it.) My problem is with the motivation behind it.
There is nothing more useless than someone whose decision making process revolves around what is or isn't cool or bad ass. You know what's cool? Not being afraid to say that your favorite film is FAME or that your favorite bands are REO Speedwagon and Conway Twitty without adding silly qualifiers like "guilty pleasure". Why should you be ashamed to like what you like? Screw that. Elitism is a fancy way of saying "self-absorbed and worthless".
You know what's bad ass? Getting a job and being a productive member of society; therefor not having time to worry about being cool. Oh, and not giving a shit about what other people think.
Rant over.
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