I decided on a Tuesday morning. I was so excited I ran all the way to school to tell him. But for some reason, when I got there, I couldn't tell him. This wasn't something you just blurt out. This was important. It had to be introduced with grace. At the right time. In the right place.
So I told him at lunch in the cafeteria. Between bites of my cherry pop tart, as he drew smiley faces in his mashed potatoes, I told Brian his destiny. "I've decided to seduce you." He managed to look up from his mashed potatoes after that. "wh--- huhhh--- what?" No matter how it seems, Brian wasn't stupid. Far from it. He was just... a boy. And boys are just slow on the uptake when it comes to sex. Fact of life, I suppose.
But in every other way, he was just... rad. Stupendous. Perpendicular. (It makes sense because I say so; sue me.) He liked Tori Amos and Indiana Jones. If you asked him whether he likes chocolate or vanilla he would say "Rocky road." And most importantly, he was the only one who would jump off the big tree in the creek with me. How can you not adore the boy who jumps with you? And the best part was, he was still a hidden jem. No one else looked beyond the skinny boy with the thatch of brown tangled hair and chest freckles. No one but me. I looked into those baby blues all the time. Brian had kind eyes. He was the kind of boy that other girls ignore until they're old and worn out and ready to settle down. And then they spend the rest of their hag years bitching about how "all the good ones are either gay or taken". Because they just assumed that boys like Brian would remain boys and wait for them. Except they don't they grow into men. And guess what bitches? You ain't the only game in town with a push-up bra and a pair of legs.
I hate girls like that, and even then I was determined not to be one. I was alway mature for my age, you know? Daddy always said I was "too big fer my britches." He's old. He says things like that. So, anyway... I basically told the boy that I own him. Not that I needed to tell him that.
Do I have any choice in the matter?
Hmmmmm... no. No I'm going to seduce you.
I see. Why exactly?
Because I don't want one of these skeezy girls taking your virginity from you. You need a girl with talent and experience to guide you into manhood.
Layla... you're a virgin too.
... I meant EMOTIONAL experience. Like... maturity, you know.
God, I was full of shit as a kid. I was too proud to admit that I wanted HIM to make ME a woman. I mean, I wasn't in love with Brian, buuuuuttt... I knew sex would be an issue soon. I'd heard all these horror stories from my older sister and her friends about their first times. I really didn't want to lose my virginity while crying in the back of a Volkswagon. Brian was my best friend. I knew he would be gentle and loving. And somehow I knew it was important that we experience this together. All these years later, I can honestly say I was right. And I have no regrets about that.
Sooooo... how are you planning to seduce me.
Oh, that's easy. Like this: come to my house after 11 and I'll fuck you.
That... that's it? That's how you seduce me?
Is your dick hard?
...
See? You're seduced. You're welcome.
Eleven o'clock on the dot, there was a knock at my window. I opened it so he could come through. Unfortunately, as nervous as he was, he tripped on the window sill and fell to the ground with a loud thud. It's a miracle my Dad didn't burst through the door and kill him. But I had my music on pretty loud. I put on my Cranberries CD, both to muffle the sounds of our awkward humping, and to set the mood. No Need to Argue was depressing, but mellow. We were both a twitching bundle of nerves ready to snap at the slightest thing. Mellow was goooooood.
I... uhhh... I stole a condom from my Dad. Should.... should I put it on?
Umm.... no. Not yet. I got my sister to buy us some peppermint schnapps. Wanna drink?
Uhhh... yeah. Sounds like a plan.
We laid back on my bed like two kids having a sleepover, not even touching. We drank and passed back and forth until the bottle was nearly empty. And then the strangest thing happened. We stopped thinking. He looked at me with those blues and I melted. I just knew he was going to kiss me, and I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything before. Boys don't ever seem to know how important the kiss is to a girl... well... this one did. I still have dreams about that kiss. Maybe it was the schnapps. Maybe it was his technique. Or maybe it was just the feeling of being with the boy you're meant to be with. Whatever it was, he was an amazing kisser.
My eyes were still shut tight as I melted into him, when he broke the kiss and started to undress me. Nothing was like I expected. He didn't try to rip anything off or fumble with my bra; he took his time. And as each article of clothing fell to my floor, he kissed me all over. On my neck... my breasts... my belly button... my legs... and eventually my pussy. When he was done giving me the tonguing of a lifetime, Brian looked up at me quizzically. I nodded nervously, and he smiled.
Brian knelt beside me and started taking his own clothes off. It freaked me out a little when he removed his pants, and with good reason as it turned out. Brian may not have had a whole lot of upper body strength back then, but as it turned out, all his muscle mass was in his third arm. Woof. It was pretty stupid, but I didn't make him wear the condom. I didn't care. Those moments were magic. Sure, at first, when he pushed in and broke my cherry it hurt. And it was awkward. His stroke wasn't nearly as nice as his tongue... but... there was something about being there with this boy inside me. Yeah, magic. That's what it was. Because for all his inexperience, that was among the best sex I've ever had. I still get tingles thinking about his big dick thrusting inside of me. I cried as I held onto him for hear life, and he kissed my tears away. I'll never forget, just as I started to cum, he said "I'm so glad it's you, Layla. It's always been you."
When it was over, I didn't want to risk cuddling and getting caught, so I sort of kicked him out. I did, however keep his underwear as a trophy.
The next day I told Brian it was a one time thing. That I loved him too much to become involved with him. And suddenly all the light in those baby blues went out. I thought for a moment that I had broken him, and I wanted to cry. But he didn't get mad. He was just hurt. "That's bullshit. You know it is." And then he left; his words still haunting the air.
By shear luck, we managed to remain friends. We stayed that way through the rest of High School. Afterwards, I went to Vasser. Brian... dear sweet Brian went to West Point to prove something. Or so he told me. "You may feel the need to prove yourself to everyone else... even you. But you never have to prove anything to me. I know how great you are." He graduated top of his class. We'd lost touch in college, but I was damn sure there for his Graduation. And the after party. And the drinking. And let's just say... things happened. Only this time he had learned tricks I hadn't even heard of. And afterward, I didn't kick him out of bed. We spooned as best we could on his tiny bed. Our hot, perspiring skin sticking to each other all night long. He kissed my neck and fondled me gently as I drifted off to the most comfortable sleep I'd ever had. I've never felt so safe as in his arms.
But it wasn't going to last. I tried to have "the talk" with him the next day over the breakfast he cooked for me. He put his hand over my mouth before I could say it. "Shhh. I know. I've always known." We made love one more time after breakfast. And then I left.
I lost track of Brian after that. His Mom kept me up to date on the major beats. He became a Flyboy. F-16s. Not long after the night we'd shared, he met his fiance`. I even scored an invitation. Never made it though. Neither did he. Brian was shot down over Afghanistan in 2003. I barely held it together at the funeral. Some military guy gave his Mom and the girl who would have been his widow a posthumous Purple Heart. He said Brian was a hero. It didn't make it any easier.
Sometimes I wonder if it's all a dream. Like maybe this is all in my mind and Brian never really existed. That would make it so much easier. Then I could just wake up from this pain. The pain of being truly, finally separated from him. The pain of not knowing.
It's funny. Only now do I realize that I ended up just like those girls I'd despised. My path was different than theirs. I held Brian at arms length out of fear of growing up and facing the future. But the truth is, I always thought he would wait for me. It seems so silly now. I never got to tell him how much I love him.
So I told him at lunch in the cafeteria. Between bites of my cherry pop tart, as he drew smiley faces in his mashed potatoes, I told Brian his destiny. "I've decided to seduce you." He managed to look up from his mashed potatoes after that. "wh--- huhhh--- what?" No matter how it seems, Brian wasn't stupid. Far from it. He was just... a boy. And boys are just slow on the uptake when it comes to sex. Fact of life, I suppose.
But in every other way, he was just... rad. Stupendous. Perpendicular. (It makes sense because I say so; sue me.) He liked Tori Amos and Indiana Jones. If you asked him whether he likes chocolate or vanilla he would say "Rocky road." And most importantly, he was the only one who would jump off the big tree in the creek with me. How can you not adore the boy who jumps with you? And the best part was, he was still a hidden jem. No one else looked beyond the skinny boy with the thatch of brown tangled hair and chest freckles. No one but me. I looked into those baby blues all the time. Brian had kind eyes. He was the kind of boy that other girls ignore until they're old and worn out and ready to settle down. And then they spend the rest of their hag years bitching about how "all the good ones are either gay or taken". Because they just assumed that boys like Brian would remain boys and wait for them. Except they don't they grow into men. And guess what bitches? You ain't the only game in town with a push-up bra and a pair of legs.
I hate girls like that, and even then I was determined not to be one. I was alway mature for my age, you know? Daddy always said I was "too big fer my britches." He's old. He says things like that. So, anyway... I basically told the boy that I own him. Not that I needed to tell him that.
Do I have any choice in the matter?
Hmmmmm... no. No I'm going to seduce you.
I see. Why exactly?
Because I don't want one of these skeezy girls taking your virginity from you. You need a girl with talent and experience to guide you into manhood.
Layla... you're a virgin too.
... I meant EMOTIONAL experience. Like... maturity, you know.
God, I was full of shit as a kid. I was too proud to admit that I wanted HIM to make ME a woman. I mean, I wasn't in love with Brian, buuuuuttt... I knew sex would be an issue soon. I'd heard all these horror stories from my older sister and her friends about their first times. I really didn't want to lose my virginity while crying in the back of a Volkswagon. Brian was my best friend. I knew he would be gentle and loving. And somehow I knew it was important that we experience this together. All these years later, I can honestly say I was right. And I have no regrets about that.
Sooooo... how are you planning to seduce me.
Oh, that's easy. Like this: come to my house after 11 and I'll fuck you.
That... that's it? That's how you seduce me?
Is your dick hard?
...
See? You're seduced. You're welcome.
Eleven o'clock on the dot, there was a knock at my window. I opened it so he could come through. Unfortunately, as nervous as he was, he tripped on the window sill and fell to the ground with a loud thud. It's a miracle my Dad didn't burst through the door and kill him. But I had my music on pretty loud. I put on my Cranberries CD, both to muffle the sounds of our awkward humping, and to set the mood. No Need to Argue was depressing, but mellow. We were both a twitching bundle of nerves ready to snap at the slightest thing. Mellow was goooooood.
I... uhhh... I stole a condom from my Dad. Should.... should I put it on?
Umm.... no. Not yet. I got my sister to buy us some peppermint schnapps. Wanna drink?
Uhhh... yeah. Sounds like a plan.
We laid back on my bed like two kids having a sleepover, not even touching. We drank and passed back and forth until the bottle was nearly empty. And then the strangest thing happened. We stopped thinking. He looked at me with those blues and I melted. I just knew he was going to kiss me, and I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything before. Boys don't ever seem to know how important the kiss is to a girl... well... this one did. I still have dreams about that kiss. Maybe it was the schnapps. Maybe it was his technique. Or maybe it was just the feeling of being with the boy you're meant to be with. Whatever it was, he was an amazing kisser.
My eyes were still shut tight as I melted into him, when he broke the kiss and started to undress me. Nothing was like I expected. He didn't try to rip anything off or fumble with my bra; he took his time. And as each article of clothing fell to my floor, he kissed me all over. On my neck... my breasts... my belly button... my legs... and eventually my pussy. When he was done giving me the tonguing of a lifetime, Brian looked up at me quizzically. I nodded nervously, and he smiled.
Brian knelt beside me and started taking his own clothes off. It freaked me out a little when he removed his pants, and with good reason as it turned out. Brian may not have had a whole lot of upper body strength back then, but as it turned out, all his muscle mass was in his third arm. Woof. It was pretty stupid, but I didn't make him wear the condom. I didn't care. Those moments were magic. Sure, at first, when he pushed in and broke my cherry it hurt. And it was awkward. His stroke wasn't nearly as nice as his tongue... but... there was something about being there with this boy inside me. Yeah, magic. That's what it was. Because for all his inexperience, that was among the best sex I've ever had. I still get tingles thinking about his big dick thrusting inside of me. I cried as I held onto him for hear life, and he kissed my tears away. I'll never forget, just as I started to cum, he said "I'm so glad it's you, Layla. It's always been you."
When it was over, I didn't want to risk cuddling and getting caught, so I sort of kicked him out. I did, however keep his underwear as a trophy.
The next day I told Brian it was a one time thing. That I loved him too much to become involved with him. And suddenly all the light in those baby blues went out. I thought for a moment that I had broken him, and I wanted to cry. But he didn't get mad. He was just hurt. "That's bullshit. You know it is." And then he left; his words still haunting the air.
By shear luck, we managed to remain friends. We stayed that way through the rest of High School. Afterwards, I went to Vasser. Brian... dear sweet Brian went to West Point to prove something. Or so he told me. "You may feel the need to prove yourself to everyone else... even you. But you never have to prove anything to me. I know how great you are." He graduated top of his class. We'd lost touch in college, but I was damn sure there for his Graduation. And the after party. And the drinking. And let's just say... things happened. Only this time he had learned tricks I hadn't even heard of. And afterward, I didn't kick him out of bed. We spooned as best we could on his tiny bed. Our hot, perspiring skin sticking to each other all night long. He kissed my neck and fondled me gently as I drifted off to the most comfortable sleep I'd ever had. I've never felt so safe as in his arms.
But it wasn't going to last. I tried to have "the talk" with him the next day over the breakfast he cooked for me. He put his hand over my mouth before I could say it. "Shhh. I know. I've always known." We made love one more time after breakfast. And then I left.
I lost track of Brian after that. His Mom kept me up to date on the major beats. He became a Flyboy. F-16s. Not long after the night we'd shared, he met his fiance`. I even scored an invitation. Never made it though. Neither did he. Brian was shot down over Afghanistan in 2003. I barely held it together at the funeral. Some military guy gave his Mom and the girl who would have been his widow a posthumous Purple Heart. He said Brian was a hero. It didn't make it any easier.
Sometimes I wonder if it's all a dream. Like maybe this is all in my mind and Brian never really existed. That would make it so much easier. Then I could just wake up from this pain. The pain of being truly, finally separated from him. The pain of not knowing.
It's funny. Only now do I realize that I ended up just like those girls I'd despised. My path was different than theirs. I held Brian at arms length out of fear of growing up and facing the future. But the truth is, I always thought he would wait for me. It seems so silly now. I never got to tell him how much I love him.
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